View Full Version : Treasury buys Hansen Natural in $5.06 bln deal to fight credit crunch

09-16-2008, 08:44 AM
Treasury buys Hansen Natural in $5.06 bln deal to fight credit crunch

September 16, 2008 · No Comments

From our New York and Washington bureau

New York , Washington - In an unprecedented move to secure the supply of energy drinks, the U.S. Treasury acquired beverage company Hansen Natural (HANS), owner of the popular Monster Energy brand. In an ultimate attempt to fight the current credit crisis, Monster Energy is expected to have a material impact as many bankers, lawyers and government officials are pulling all-nighters, with the financial system on the brink of total collapse.

In an all treasuries-for-stock deal, the company is valued at $ 5.06 bln, or $ 55 per share, a hefty 132% premium over yesterday’s closing price.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson called the acquisition a crucial and creative move: “In a crisis where all time-tested measures fail to have any substantial effect, you need to think out-of-box; and we took that to a whole new level. The human factor is vital in solving this crisis, and having people wanting to sleep at night… well, we just can’t have that right now.”

Secretary Paulson immediately summoned the build-up of strategic reserves of Monster Energy which will be stockpiled at secure locations across Manhattan. Additionally he ordered the production of 5376 oz. Big Freakin’ Barrels (BFB) of Monster Energy, to improve packaging and logistic efficiency. Meanwhile, Hansen Natural’s headquarters moved overnight from Corona, CA to 745 Seventh Avenue in New York, where office space had suddenly become available. Beach Boys tunes were already filling the place and someone had scribbled on a piece of paper and taped it over the former occupants sign: “Department of Monster Energy“. At the break of dawn, the first Monster Energy promo teams were already deployed to several Wall Street trading desks to boost morale.

The caffeine loaded Monster Energy drinks, are popular amongst youngsters, but also truck drivers and people working night shifts turn to them to stay alert and awake. The Treasury Department wouldn’t comment why they chose Monster Energy, but a person close to the deal shed some light:” The Big Three made the short-list: Red Bull, Rockstar Energy and Monster Energy. Well, Red Bull never really was an option…it would be just too cynical having a Red Bull pulling you through a bear market. And with Rockstar… the association with Northern Rock or Novastar Financial seemed too obvious in the end, perhaps a bad omen. So eventually they went with Monster Energy, although the link with job-search firm Monster.com could be made, like “you’re next”…But hey, this business is not for the faint-hearted.”

Hansen Natural’s CEO Rodney Sacks is still taking it all in: “It all went really fast, you know, but we believe we’ve gotten a very good deal for our shareholders. And as a company, being backed by the full faith and credit of the Federal Government, means a lot”. Adding tongue-in-cheek, his accent revealing his South-African roots: “maybe not as much as it once did…but, seriously, by and large this is a wonderful thing for this company and all the people working here. We’ve come a long way…fom the loading docks in Southern California to the Big Freakin’ Apple”, he chuckles while chugging a can of Monster Lo-Carb in the afternoon sun. Already the credit crunch seems to have lost some of its edge.

Treasury buys Hansen Natural in $5.06 bln deal to fight credit crunch « (http://monsterfinance.wordpress.com/2008/09/16/treasury-buys-hansen-natural-in-506-bln-deal-to-fight-credit-crunch/)

09-16-2008, 01:57 PM
I don't care who you are......that's funny.

09-17-2008, 09:28 AM
I don't care who you are......that's funny.

Except for the fact that somebody is going to read it and think that it is really the truth, and that is just sad!

09-17-2008, 12:34 PM
I kow its tongue in cheek however if you are going to write fuax press release saying the company is being bought I suggest you A) not have US Treasury buy it...it looks like a bailout, especiall considering the current financial climate and b) sell it for more the $5.06bb. Hell, Glaceau got $40+bb for sugar water with a hint of vitamins in in it. I know Hansens can get more for a company that actually has a function to thier one time serving product!

09-19-2008, 02:19 PM
Glaceau was purchased for $4.2b

09-19-2008, 04:21 PM
Glaceau was purchased for $4.2b

What was I thinking???? 40bb? I'm a dumbazz!!!!! I guess I didn't have my Redline that day!