The First Drop: My Special Purpose

This probably won’t be the first time we discuss the fact I’m writing today about an ever-expanding plague facing the American people, one that, since 2020, has grown to threaten more of us — and the people we know and love — each and every day.

No one is immune: not finely conditioned athletes, not entrepreneurs, not celebrities, not rich investors, not even Rohan Oza.

It’s the SPAC plague, and this Special Purpose Acquisition Contagion is everywhere: Signs of infection are fits of scanning SEC documents to see which collections of experienced operators have been gathered by former P&G executives, extreme willingness to combine back offices to realize efficiency in D2C ventures, celebrity board members, and an outbreak of acquisition targets to be named later.

Who wouldn’t want to get infected by SPAC fever, though? The prospect of throwing your name out there with a willing group of institutional investors behind you, all eager to sell off the warrants they earn just by pledging a certain amount of money without actually committing it — and then getting the potential upside of an actual transaction before the market actually understands how tired the eventual acquisition truly is — it’s a temptation that I know I, personally can’t resist.

So, I’m writing today to offer myself to sell out my soapbox in order to join (or, in fact, be the CEO) of a SPAC. I want my 20 percent! I, too, want to spend other people’s money around a whimsically broad concept to maximize return for a group of beneficiaries who haven’t quite been identified but are surely wealthier than you.

Now, It’s not like I’m arriving on the scene empty-handed. I’m not just here to sell out based on reputation and low, low price. I’m the kind of fellow who brings ideas to the party, as well as a fine collection of leftover sample drinks that have been mouldering in the back of the BevNET closet. So to prove my worth, I’ve come up with a list of potential SPACs I’d like to see, or, you know, run!

Tetra SPAC: This would be roll-up of boxed water brands, one of the few SPACS out there worth the paper they’re printed on. There are a bunch of these companies and they all seem to have the same idea but different marketing spheres of influence. They all want to clean up waste and stop plastic from polluting the oceans. Great cause, now let’s stop the inefficiency that comes from having the different varieties of essentially the same product fighting it out on special all year.

The Spiked Seltzer SPACtacular: we all lived through the energy drink boom, the HPP boom, the functional vitaminwater wannabe boom, the coconut water boom; the fact is that when it comes to this kind of product, where varieties are ultimately going to be only as potent as the creativity of IFF and Sovereign Flavors, it’s about time we condensed all of these minor spiked seltzers into a national private label brand that could play against the Trulys and White Claws of the world, because you’re all just chasing them, anyway. Yes, it’s great fun to see craft brewers try to explain the difference between their ethanol-enhanced club soda and the big boys, but if you wanted something lovingly prepared, you’d call your daughter’s college buddies and ask them what cheap vodka they used when they were adulterating that variety pack of LaCroix.

Not convinced of my brilliance (read: cash-worthiness)?

Resurrection SPAC: this company will do for dead or defunct brands what Dean Metropolous does for, well, for dead or defunct brands. Picking up names like Sweet Leaf, TaB, mix1, Surge, and the Houston Rockets, this SPAC would seek to profit not by returning the products to circulation but by creating a series of dues-paying fan clubs and embezzling from them.

SPAC! Or my Mom Will Shoot!: Not, in fact, a crappy Sylvester Stallone movie, this SPAC will purchase home bartending gadgets and send them to the BevNET offices where they will be reviewed and broken by BevNET staff. Staff will then ingest shots and blame the destruction of said gadgets on investors and each other, before selling off options in exchange for pizza.

The Phat Sack SPAC: This will be a roll up of a different kind, using shredded stock options from defunct CBD food and beverage brands as ground cover surrounding my backyard money tree. The clever names and healing vibes, plus the stored up optimism, will cause this tree to bloom and drop dividends on all who come to visit me, provided they have been vaccinated and are willing to bring either White Claw or lightly used beverage samples.

Are these all too rollup dependent? What about individual brands?

Resilience SPAC: Funded by Campbells shareholders, it allows Jeff Dunn the flexibility to return to relevance simply by saying the words “squeeze my carrots” in a crowded boardroom. Genius ensues.

Knick-Knack-Paddy-Whack-SPAC: An incredible growth opportunity, this SPAC will purchase the assets of heavy plastic prestige packaging and shut down their factory, realizing massive tax incentives and selling them to large petroleum companies.

Simon Sinek SPAC: Really, there’s only one question about investing in this one. If you don’t know what that question is, invest and find out.

The Lance Collins’ Back SPAC: Doesn’t back the current company Lance has out there, but the next three he’s got lined up behind them.

Hey Lance, rather than start up a new company, why don’t we just pick one up with a SPAC? For 20 percent, I’m sure we could be co-founders….